Goodbye fair blog.

This blog really has served me well but somehow it's just not me anymore. This summer changed me and part of the reason I haven't written here is because a lot of what happened was so thoroughly heartbreaking and surreal I hadn't wanted to write about it - but then to ignore it would be to be untrue.

I doubt my writing style has changed much but something has changed - and I'm trying to wonder less where to go and enjoy where I am. But it's been a long way coming and this blog helped a lot. But it's not a simple case of thats me done and dusted - I am simply changing track - my new blog peptartwithaheart.blogspot.com will be where it's at. Check it out.

Goodbye and Thank you. Peace and Love. xxx

Friday - June 10th 2011 - 'Breaking Stones.'

I once observed in Kerouac’s ‘On the Road,’ that he discussed money a lot. ‘Like what? Is he obsessed with it or something? What is the great hero of the beat generation saying to us? Like it’s all about the money?’ To which my wise and well travelled friend said – ‘that’s just a facet of travelling, you are always thinking about how little money you have and how long it’s realistically going to last you.’
That brief and not particularly deep conversation haunts me at times. Mostly I wish I had loads of money just so I could stop thinking about money. URGH – I just heard somebody thinking ‘welcome to adulthood.’ URGH. But yes and this isn’t a whine. I don’t have any totally necessary outgoings so I’m fine – but blah it’s boring, right? Also if it comes up that I’m like ‘there I was with only 35pence and the shop assistant wanting 36pence for the apples,’ please don’t be like me. A life lesson for you all there really – but don’t assume I’m all about the money, dirdiidumdiddlidum I don’t think it’s funny, to see it fade away! I just get pretty introspective about the repercussions of 1ply toilet roll is all.

'Friday - June 10th 2011 - 'All Change Please.'

Quite suddenly the desire to write has come back to me. No deep stuff for a while just silly stuff like I used to write. But I suppose as it’s been all change I have to give a very brief brief.
So what was it a very wise and confuzzled woman once wrote? Ah yes, ‘what happens when you finally feel marginally adjusted? Everything changes.’ So some pretty serious stuff happened that caused some less serious stuff to happen – and that outcome is Seth and I broke up, I’m staying in London for the summer and I am definitely keeping ties as wide open as possible with my life in Vancouver. And amongst all the chaos comes serenity and dare I say it – happiness. Someone so candid being so cryptic? Ahh won’t last long I’m sure.

I work in Hampshire looking after the kids three days a week then I do that 4 hour trek to my London loves Lauren and Rose – I chill out, I freak out, I write out. Nice. Surprisingly I have come to love those long train rides, even when I’m loaded up like a mule and I sing to myself ‘Alice the camel had three bags...’ and so forth, I find it fun. Beatnik and all that.

Favourite over heard convos on the train this week...

‘It’s actually a scientific fact that people are only sexually attracted to each other for three years...Yeah...Well because like the human race needs to survive, you know like no libido no human race...Hmm....Oh well three years is how long it takes to have a baby and all that stuff...Yeah...Well after that the relationship or whatever changes if it’s more than three years it just becomes something else...HmmMmm...there’s like a psychological study and it’s called, well I can’t remember what it’s called but I think it’s something like [Insert very obviously fakestudyoftheentirehumanracename]....Oh yeah dead serious.’

I wonder how committed to this theory he is. One evening at the bar he says to a woman, ‘hey darling. Wanna head back to my place for the next three years?’ and then because in this situation she does and they get married and once she’s in her final trimester of her full three years of pregnancy he says, ‘thanks that was fun. I’m off down the bar.’ But don’t feel bad for her – it was three years for her too so she no longer fancies him. Of course there’s the baby she’s carried for all that time but I’m sure in this world when the baby is three they can look after themselves. I’m sure it’s scientific fact.

Another great conversation, in which I also learned A LOT, was between some drunk middle aged men, who clearly all do something with stocks or socks or bollocks.

‘So Lilly Allen – hot or not?’
‘Nah, not hot...buuuutttt she is a brunette and I do like brunettes...aaaaaaannnnndddd she is pretty crazy and odd and I do like that about her...hmmmm.’ (There’s a long pause, I’m going out of my mind, it’s one of those big questions we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives – Is LILLY ALLEN HOT?! OR NOT?! Tell me. Please!) ‘Yeah I think she’s hot.’

I knew being brunette and crazy would pay off. Someone, basing their decision on that definition alone, could quite possibly fancy me, sweeeeet! Everyday’s a school day.

Sunday - May 1st 2011 - 'Reflection upon Return.'

Right so I had spent most of my time since arriving back in England till well I suppose April totally lost as to what I should do with my self. Boom Boom. I just don’t know what to dooo with myself...
I was missing Vancouver, not sure where I stood here and you know angsty, angsty, whiney, whiney. Then by about April those feelings were in some ways subsiding and what happens when you finally feel marginally adjusted? Everything changes. So the mothership phoned from Canada telling me I had one day before I had to board a flight to Vancouver to come and fill out some paperwork. Crazy right?
It was all pretty exciting stuff. A few years ago someone called me a Nomad and I really hated that. I HAD to move around a lot at the end of uni, it wasn’t a choice and I guess that left me a little bitter about that term. Now I realise if I say ‘Beatnik’ I don’t mind so much. I quite like moving around a lot. Not belonging anywhere can sometimes be a step closer to belonging everywhere. And right now I belong in both Vancouver and London. Oh and with the kiddy blinks in Hampshire. Oh and in Wiltshire on the weekend with Seth.
But there you go my Easter Adventure came for me quite suddenly. And most of the fun of it being a surprise for me was I got to surprise other people. I went into work and said hello to everyone and the reaction was pretty ego boosting! Then I went and surprised my brother Lars Bars at his work and his speechlessness was also pretty ego boosting but gotta say the tears and screaming I got from my adopted Croatian family was truly heady! Mumma Jas and sister Mia (for those of you who don’t know me so well Jas and Mia are two people I fell madly in love with last year and have since renamed them as part of my family.)

Mumma Jas just screamed - ‘What the Fuck are you doing here?!’

Fun times – that day also had me discovering ‘The Littlest Hobo’ the most hilarious show you will ever see. It’s set in 1970’s Canada and it’s about a dog that saves the day.

Being back in Vancouver was very weirdly normal. It felt so natural and most of the time just made perfect sense. I would go on long bike rides and meet up with various friends for coffee and dinners - heck I even pulled some shifts at my old job!

I guess in that nomadic – I mean Beat – and also no focus way about me, I don’t really know what I want just yet. I suppose I’ll have to settle for being a little bit lost and have to try and enjoy the adventure!

Sometime in April

Long time no blog. Except I get tired of my own apologies so I won’t bother I’ll just hop right in!
Things I wanted to blog about from having re-edited loads of my old pieces...

 That skin infection what I wrote about. Erm the naturopath stuff helped a bit but didn’t totally clear it up what has subsequently cleared my skin up is cutting out caffeine. That’s been the biggest change. If I have too much dairy or sugar than yeah I still get the breakouts but caffeine was the baddy. And so the most I have is a green tea and if I have a coffee or a black tea my body starts shaking – I’m now a wimp. And that whole needing caffeine thing to get kick started? It’s bolsheeee – you just need a healthy diet and sometimes a hit of lemon juice.
 200 words a day? That did not work whatsoever and along with that I suppose my grip on reality. Can’t seem to stick to any of my goals. NEED MORE FOCUS. I think that’s my problem – I even had my palms read recently and the lady said – you have loads of creativity and not enough focus.

 My first organic cold was a milestone it now seems as I haven’t been ill since which is a huge deal for me because I used to come down with about 9 or 10 colds in a winter. Guess Healthy living really is better.

So those were things I meant to follow up on but you know me – NO FOCUS- so I have to always jot notes down in my trusty moleskin notebook. I have also written that I cried loads when I reread over the California trip. I think I’m supposed to be travelling but my problem is where would I even go, how would I even do it, who would even pay for it?

Monday - 28th March - 'Ms Brightside.'

Went to London this weekend to celebrate the doc becoming a Doc. He passed his med exams with honours and is now off to Injah for a gap yah of three months. Slash he is really going to help people and I’m really very proud of him.

Doc gave me some very insightful advice on the weekend and things seem a little rosier today, for which I am very grateful.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it enough times but I get panicked I will never have a career, EVER, NEVER, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. So sometimes I freak out about this. Which is redonk because right now I don’t want a career, I want a little bit more freedom to travel again this summer and think a little more about what I WANT to do not what I SHOULD do. So like I should just get oh-ver ait.

I’m enjoying the journo course, I am thinking about going to back to Vancouver, I am thinking about travelling Europe this summer, I am thinking about food and ethical fashion Lu-houds. I am enjoying being me, I have this totally idyllic little set up right now where I can chill with my fam and read and write and cook and I love it – so why do I keep panicking about stuff I don’t want?

Well I suppose firstly there is fear. Fear of the future which is daft. If the present is going well and you’re working at something you love why wouldn’t things work out in your favour? Then secondly there is new game everyone seems to be playing – big fat porkies about my big fat career. See, right now everyone is trying to define themselves and whilst it used to be enough to say what uni you were at and what you studied, now you have to show who you are by the mark you have already made on the career world. And I find that mostly people have already starting becoming their own spin doctors. Answering phones is PR, doing something anonymous in a bank is Investment banker, work experience at a newspaper makes you a journalist. And while all of this is great and it really is the start of what will most likely be awesome careers, I should not let it intimidate me. That, I am fully aware, was my own fault. I let other people’s success intimidate me but why? Am I that selfish and jealous and frankly not-very-me anymore?

Well yes and then no. I was engaged in this ludicrous see-saw stuff with myself. I would be totally happy with where I was in life and fully understanding why I was doing the things I was and then bam! I would be insecure and nervous after somebody else seemed so sure of themselves. But few people are – it’s a game and it’s a game I’ve also played. But I don’t really mind being vulnerable or wrong. I was wrong to be intimidated and then I was wrong to shoot down their success. I want other people to be happy, I want my friends to be successful, I just want to not be an idiot sometimes and forget that and let fear and insecurity take over. But Everything Is OK. And I’m going to paraphrase three pieces of advice from my three bestest friends (boyf excluded but he has helped me loads!) that have helped me not only gain serenity and insight but sustain it.

Rose told me: Being fearful of division everywhere just creates more division; you’ve just got to decide everything is ok and love will spread from you not fear.

Lauren told me: So truly with hardship comes ease, truly with hardship comes ease. So when thou art empty, labour and let God be they Quest.

And Doc told me: Just like you do with your religion let your new knowledge flow under your skin at all times.

Hello, I am Pep. I have exactly two personalities, I think it’s because I’m a Gemini. Right now I want to be a writer; I don’t really see that changing. I want to write about women rights and issues. I love food and am very interested in nutritional therapy but from an amateur standpoint. I want to own houses in different countries. I want to own a coffee shop with a cause. I want to live in Vancouver, San Diego and London all at the same time. I never again want to buy new sweatshop made clothes or products that are harmful to the environment. I want to write a novel about a woman named Jasner. I want to always be happy and never jealous, insecure or fearful. Right now I am not high flying nor am I totally sure of myself – it can be pretty fun.

So there are my big ambitions. I may falter, I may never reach some and they may change by next week and finally I am happy with that. I know whatever happens as long as I have my friends and family close, good food at the ready and can meditate everyday then I will be at least some of the way there. And when I get cross that someone doesn’t agree with me I just think. Everything Is OK. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurt. So it goes...


The pictures are me with rose, rose with lauren and doccy being pranked.

Monday - March 21st 2011 - 'The Brompton Mix'

From a town affectionately called ‘Malice,’ comes a new Rock and Roll prodigy: ‘The Brompton Mix.’
They played their first gig in ‘The Crown’ in Woking (their home town) before promptly following that up the next week with a gig at 229 Great Portland Street, London, which is testament to the fact their talent is very recognisable and their stage presence begs an encore.
The band consists of Simon Gulliver on bass, Chris Baxter on drums, Azza Sergent on lead guitar and Ben Peppitt on lead vocals and rhythm guitar.
Their song lyrics are playful, almost always cheeky and yet for the most part heartfelt. When asked about how they can produce such funny and satirical songs Ben answers, ‘We just hang out together and banter, we can come up with song after song that way quite naturally. It’s simple and if it doesn’t come easily, it’s probably not for you.’
Their songs are often glimpses of today’s youth culture, ‘These boys all look like girls and these girls all look like boys [Wrong Train Home]’/ ‘I sold my cow but I sold it for beans because we get the milk quite literally for free [Material Man].’ Whilst they can’t help but hark back to previous lovers mostly the songs are about just being ‘lads’, pratting about and making jokes about their friends: Stone Cold Killer in Me is supposedly a ludicrous caricature of one of them. In fact most of the songs are portraits of their lives painted several shades darker for lyrical intrigue.
However, it’s not the lyrics or even the catchy, very new rock and roll type music they are set to – it’s the tightness of the band that also makes them unique. Down the pub before the gig, enjoying a pint of “dutch courage”, Azza, in his typical self-deprecating humour laughs, ‘People only say you sound tight when they didn’t like the music.’ But his joke couldn’t be further from the truth, it is what pushes this small town foursome into the realms of a professional sounding band – they gel so well together. Their individual talents complement each other so completely it’s hard to pick apart the band and discuss who does what well; the point is ‘The Brompton Mix’ is a collective of raw talent, with very little ego-clashing.
Throughout their gigs Ben engages with the audience; he jokes with them and the others in the band in such a way that says, ‘Hey, if you all weren’t here we’d be doing it anyway then we’d be down the pub for a laugh’ – though of course he makes it clear he appreciates the support of the audience.
Ben worked all summer, a few years back, in a meat packing factory to save up enough to buy the guitar he had with him on stage that day. But that kind of investment in their music isn’t rare in this band – they spend their entire weekends rehearsing without fail, and then they support that by going off to their regular 9-5s in the week. All of them work except for Baxter, who is studying at the Brighton Institute of Music.
Baxter is laid back and far less chatty than his other band mates but put a drum kit in front of him and he really lets go. It’s then that you see the punk side to him – Baxter often wears his hair in a Mohawk and says he takes inspiration from bands I can’t even pronounce, but I did recognise Nofx and the Sex Pistols. Though Baxter can be quiet and reflective, there’s a hell raiser side to him on stage. He is passionate about what he believes is the bands goal: ‘To bring back good music to the commercial scene.’ Though he is a fan of Oasis, Blur and the Arctic Monkeys he’s more interested in the punk genre and likes to be able to inject that element into their songs and their stage presence.
Baxter was previously in a band with bass guitarist, Si. When I asked Si what made being in this band different to the others he simply retorted, ‘it’s easy’. Sometimes the simplest answers are the best, it does just come naturally to these boys, they like the music they play, and they like playing music. Si describes the feeling of when they’ve come up with a new song as a buzz, ‘it just falls into place – it’s perfect.’
Their gig at 229 Great Portland Street was a triumph. Their set list included songs they had already released on their free EP so their true, die-hard fans could sing along. But they wove their newer stuff in nicely – really putting emotional emphasis, both vocally and musically on the parts of the new song they wanted us to sing along with. That’s what seems to really please them – the constant audience satisfaction, the constant banter, the constant recognition. An element of ‘The Brompton Mix’s ethos is that this is supposed to be fun and not elitist, it’s rock and roll but as we used to know it.
Though they may sing ‘It’s all over for me,’ it’s safe to say it’s merely the beginning for them.


<< The Brompton Mix have been asked to headline at 229 Great Portland Street on the Friday 8th April.>>